These days there are survival guides to almost everything. Survival guides written by ex-SAS soldiers on how to survive anywhere on land or sea. Even zombie survival guides on how to protect yourself from the living dead. If you have read either of these two books before coming to Hanoi you may just have a slim chance of survival. If not, fear not. Here is an alternative guide to living and surviving in Hanoi, Vietnam.

You arrive at Noi Bai Airport and must get a taxi into town. The first word you should utter even before telling the taxi driver your destination is 'meter'. Say it once and then say it again and point for good measure. Do not even attempt at trying to say anything in Vietnamese. He will definitely not understand you even if you are 100% certain that you have pronounced it correctly, you haven't. Now you can feel safe in the knowledge that the cabbie will drive you around in circles before taking you to your desired destination.

A French, an Italian and an Irish walk into a bar for a drink. The French asks for a bottle of the finest Bordeaux and pours himself a glass. “The French make the best wine in the world and it reflects the characteristics of our people” he says. “It is sensual and complex – it cannot be appreciated by anyone except the French”. With that, he reaches across the bar and smashes the bottle so his friends cannot share. The Italian orders a bottle of the finest Sangiovese and pours himself a glass. “My French friend, you are mistaken. The Italians make the best wine in the world and it reflects the characteristics our people. Our wine is cultured and refined – it cannot be appreciated by anyone except the Italians.” And with that he also reaches across the bar and smashes the bottle so his friends cannot share, and the two of them sit back to enjoy their wine and wallow in their own egos.

As his friends finish talking and sit back to take their first satisfying sips of their wine, the Irish explains: “We don’t make wine in my country, but we are famous for enjoying all beverages from around the world, taking pleasure in good company while we drink and our courteous hospitality.” With that, he knocks out the French and the Italian and sits back to enjoy their drinks.